I’m stuck but not in a confused state of mind. I don’t feel the quicksand that used to overwhelm my conscious self. Instead, it feels like sticky putty, keeping me from moving but not engulfing me with dread. I just need to make an extra effort to break free, which is totally in my capacity to do.
I want to push back on the idea that I lost my way. I didn’t deviate into a path of conformity. I went down a rabbit hole and came out with insight, clarity, and a resolve that could only be carved in the fire of chaos. And yet, the frustration of stagnation became more unbearable than the fear of the unknown.
I had to allow myself to be gaslit and convinced myself that I was doing so in order to develop the antibodies that would “save” me.
Carrying the weight of success and ambition for people afraid to shine and take up space has been draining, and yet I volunteered for a job no one asked me to take on. In the process, I battling myself with this idea that I needed to relaunch my brand in case it needs to serve as a backup for my current job. My online presence was neglected like a misfit toy off on an island in the land of delulu.
I started to believe that settling for an ordinary life was enough for me. In all of the ways I don’t feel enough for others, I lowered my standards with how I expected myself to show up.
I stopped wearing makeup.
I stopped working out.
I stopped eating healthy.
I stopped talking to friends.
I allowed myself to be consumed by an illusion of a proper career complete with a membership to one of the most powerful unions. All I had to get it was compromise on my vision.
I had to remind myself that my day job is my side hustle and not the other way around.
My time there has an expiration date and I have to stop worrying about it being set by someone else. I had to remind myself that I cannot want for others more than they are willing to aspire to for themselves.
For everyone who doesn’t feel ready, who doesn’t want to do extra work, who just wants to exist - their feelings are valid…for them. However, their lack of ambition is not my burden to carry.
I missed hearing voices of optimism. I want people who will hear how batshit crazy my ideas are and encourage me to pursue them anyway. Too many people are playing it safe and coloring in between the lines because it’s what their trauma taught them to do.
My trauma continues to educate me on life lessons but it does not guide my direction.
As I start a new chapter of audacity, I embrace the ire that comes with speaking my truth against the backdrop of humility, for being humble only serves those who benefit from our surrendering authority…which I simply prefer not to do anymore.