Saying "I Get To" Feels Like I'm Gaslighting Myself
Shifting From "Either Or" to "Yes and So What"
I feel so disconnected from who I was when I started this journey 2 years ago. April / May marks the anniversary of my moderate breakdown, one where I can only speak about in parts. I think about that time and I can’t remember who I was. What they don’t tell you about the transformation journey is how deep amnesia can be when trying to evolve into someone else.
I still don’t feel like a butterfly and yet I don’t remember life as a caterpillar. I only remember the feeling of sadness in a way that I had not felt in decades.
I don’t share too many details. I have to deal with criticism from people who only get the masked version of me. I’m also sensitive to the gaslighting that makes others feel like an authority on my lived experiences.
When I bring up feeling suicidal, I get dismissive comments that my life is not that bad. When I talk about the persistent suicidal ideations, I get met with cynical responses that everyone thinks about it. When I sugarcoat the depth of my darkness, I’m told that I’m exaggerating. When I share too much, I’m told I need to go to therapy. When I don’t share anything, I’m told I have trust issues and should let people in.
Sometimes it’s nuance. Sometimes it’s being fucked on both sides.
Having spring break stunted by my need to get paid more, I’m complaining about needing to work. I’m complaining about feeling overwhelmed. I heard some bullshit about how “gratitude” means saying “I get to” but it feels like spiritual bypassing.
I get to feel anxiety?
I get to have sleep deprivation.
I get to feel lonely.
I get to have crippling debt.
I get to have health issues.
I get to think about suicide.
See how that shit sounds?
Transformation is more than the inspirational quotes on social. It’s also the dark thoughts that give context to the metamorphosis. It’s the acceptance that a paradoxical existence adds sofrito to this experiment called life.
I should be able to talk about feeling sad in the same way I talk about feeling happy. I should feel free to disclose intrusive thoughts without the judgement that comes from believing only good thoughts are valid.
All the core planets are stationed direct and so is my throat chakra. What I learned during this season of retrograde was more than just inward reflections. I’m recognizing how far I’ve come and the price I’m still paying for changing my stripes.
New season…new vision. I used to feel bad about starting over again until I realized that staying the same doesn’t work for me. So much has changed and while some things stay the same, I’ve changed how I experience those growing pains. Reframing one’s perspective changes everything.
Instead of looking at loss as something to no longer have, I rewrite the moment as an opportunity to live a new experience. What I don’t like about “get to” is how it feels like a privilege. Life is not a luxury to be put on a pedestal. It feels like I’m gaslighting myself when I take traumatic experiences and rebrand them a necessity for life. I don’t “get to” feel like shit. I “simply” acknowledge the emotion and figure out a way to process the experience.
Then I have a choice…I can make them my personality or I can use them as anchors for plot twists in the story of my life.
The nuance is not in the “either or” but in the “yes and so what.”